Just fell off a train. Bad.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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