The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
