I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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