Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
