That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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