Will you blow on my dice?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
