I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
