i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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