Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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