if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
