I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
