if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
