What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
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