its not stalking. its research.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
