i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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