the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
