Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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