I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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