So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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