You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
