if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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