So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
