There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
