I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
