Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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