dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
