i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
