I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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