so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
