I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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