went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
