If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
