How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
