I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
