i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
