allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
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