wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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