Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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