you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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