If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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