I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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