you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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