Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
