I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
