I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
