You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
