Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
