Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
