yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
