If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I could fuck to npr.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
